Hello Kayleigh! I was wondering how you view the relationship of a coxswain to rowers. My main problem is that I’m friends with a lot of rowers I cox and I don’t want to lose them as friends, but I also want there to be mutual respect. How do you deal with this? Thanks! AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!

I was friends with a lot of the people I coxed too. In the beginning there’s always a weird period where they’re like “why are you being so bossy, calm down” and/or you tell them to do something and they just laugh it off because who are you to tell them what to do? Eventually though, provided they’re not total asshats and you’re not doing your best impersonation of your favorite dictator, they’ll recognize that you’re just trying to do your job which is lead them, give them instructions, etc. If they want to succeed it means respecting, listening to, and working with the coxswains. If you want to succeed it means respecting, listening to, and working with the rowers. Similarly to what I told the person in the post below, you’ve got to lead others as you would like to be led.

Related: I know coaches are always looking for “team leaders” but there’s this one girl on my team who TRIES to be a leader but is just ignorant & bossy. Inevitably, she only hurts herself by getting on her teammates & even coaches nerves. She’s leaving next year (along with a huge majority of my team) & I want to be an effective leader but I’m afraid of being annoying to underclassmen like this girl is to me. How do I lead w/o being bossy and making people want to straight up slap me in the face?

I don’t think the relationship between friends has to change just because one of you is a coxswain and the others are rowers. If you guys have issues, you can’t let it interfere with what’s going on at practice. That requires maturity on both sides, regardless of who’s “right” or “wrong”. You’ve also got to establish early on that if they’re doing something that warrants being called out (like goofing off, being a distraction, not putting in the work, doing something incorrectly, etc.) you’re going to say something, not because you’re being a bitch or a shitty friend but because the coaches expect you to keep the rowers under control and it’s part of your responsibilities as a coxswain.

Related: How a collegiate coxswain earned her crew’s respect

If someone gets annoyed just because you asked them to do something, they need to grow up. On the flip side, you can’t get pissed at them if they tell you that you’re being overbearing, overly bossy, etc. This is part of the mutual respect thing you mentioned. In order to be able to give criticism, constructive or not, you’ve got to be able to take it in return.