How do you deal with a coach who is egotistical and flat out rude sometimes? And it’s not even just that, he compares me to the older coxswains and it just makes me so frustrated. Even if I do every little thing right, he’s always being a jerk and honestly I don’t even want to do the sport if I’m going to be treated this way for the next few years.
I had a coach like this in high school – my senior year, of all years – and I felt the same way. He treated me and my boat like shit and eventually we had a pretty verbally aggressive shouting match after practice one day before eventually apologizing and agreeing to a mutually beneficial truce. I screwed up in that situation by letting the problem become bigger than it needed to – I should have said something from the beginning and not waited to the point where I was thoroughly enraged to finally speak up. Have you tried bringing the issue up to your coach that you’re feeling disrespected by him? I know it’s not exactly a comfortable or easy conversation to have but if you’re really on the verge of quitting, it might be worth doing to see if he at least makes an effort to change his attitude. I wouldn’t necessarily go the route I did and call him an asshole to his face though, no matter how much he deserves it. If going straight to your coach seems a little too intimidating at first, try talking to your assistant coach. Explain the situation to them, get their insight, and see if maybe they could bring the subject up to your coach or at the very least, be there when you bring it up.
Basically, there are two kinds of assholes – the first kind are the people who know they’re assholes, embrace it, and won’t change for anyone and then there’s the second kind who don’t realize they’re coming off as assholes until they’re called out on it. Let’s assume he’s the first one and brushes off everything you say, turns it around and puts the blame on you, pulls the whole “I’m the coach, I’m in charge, etc.” BS, and then treats you even worse afterwards. No matter how much you love coxing, at some point you’ve gotta decide if dealing with a coach who makes you feel like that is worth it. Are you really going to enjoy being at practice with someone who irritates you so much? Probably not, sooo … why are you there?
Now let’s assume he’s the other kind of asshole who doesn’t realize he’s coming off the way he is. Maybe he’s a young coach or new to this whole coaching thing and thinks that the “look at me, I’m such a badass” thing makes him look authoritative and in control. I would again try to bring the subject up with him and talk things out. Point out specific instances where his behavior has bothered you and why comparing you to the other coxswains the way he is might not be the most effective way to provide you with feedback (assuming that that’s what he’s trying to do). Giving him the benefit of the doubt here, hopefully he’ll listen to what you’re saying and make an effort to do things differently in the future. Don’t expect things to be drastically different immediately but at least show appreciation for the acknowledgment and the effort. As I’ve said a million times before though, he can’t do anything different if he doesn’t know there’s a problem to begin with.
Make sure to take a step back and look at things from his perspective too. Is it possible he always comes off as being pissed because he’s stressed or overwhelmed by something that’s happened/happening at practice? Trust me, I’m not making excuses for him or anything but think about your team, how you act, how your teammates act, etc. and see if you can pinpoint anything that might cause him to act like he does. Is there anything you could do differently or something you could offer to help him out with that might make the situation a little better?
It’s entirely possible that he’s just an asshole and a really shitty coach. I’m definitely not ruling that out but until you’ve made an effort to talk to him and get his side of the issue, don’t do anything drastic. If all else fails but you still want to be on the team, have your parents talk to him. (I’m assuming you’re in high school, which is why I’m suggesting this.) Get over the whole “I don’t want my parents involved, I’m not a kid, blah blah blah…” and bring the issue up with them. At the very least they’ll probably be pissed that they’re spending money on a very expensive, time consuming sport that you’re not getting much out of because your coach’s attitude is making you want to quit. That alone will probably make them want to say something. Plus, it can actually help to have them bring the subject up with your coach because most parents have a knack for tactfulness that teenagers tend to lack. They can usually get across the whole “my kid is unhappy, is considering quitting, this is something they really enjoy, what can be done” spiel in a way that the coach can actually understand (whereas with the kids it can sometimes come off as whiny). Plus, an unwritten part of the job is making sure everyone involved, including the parents, are happy. If that isn’t happening, sooner or later their job will be on the line.
In the end though, it’s your decision. If you genuinely feel like he is set in his ways, won’t make an effort to change, and that you’re not going to enjoy crew because of it, the best choice may very well be to walk away from it. It’s obviously not the optimal choice but it might be the right one.
