I am in a very difficult position right now with my new team. There are a couple girls on the team who are very (and I mean incredibly) conceited, cocky, and sassy. They think that they are always right so whenever they make a mistake they try to blame it on me, or the coach does not see (or want to believe that it is anyone other than my own fault), I get in trouble. Every time I get yelled at I lose a chance to make a competitive boat and have to be in the launch. I understand that sometimes it is my own fault and that the coxswain does have to take responsibility for the boat but when these girls are not listening to me and when they do their own thing and I get in trouble and they don’t it gets really frustrating. I even tell them they need to listen and become stern with them when my job requires me to but nothing is working.
Also, I know typically in situations like this one you would go talk to your coach about it and have them help you. However, I do not know what to do when even your coach hates the coxswains. Yes, he puts a lot of responsibility on us because that is our job, but he doesn’t always keep us in the loop and then gets mad when we do not know what is going on, he never answers our questions then gets mad if we mess up, and he is just plain rude without giving us any constructive criticism.
I know this sounds awful, because trust me, it is, I just need advice! Hopefully you can help me out even a little! Thank you!
Wow, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with all that. I think this is one of those situations where employing the “safety in numbers” tactic is going to be your best option. I get the impression that all of you are experiencing the same basic problems (lack of communication, respect, etc.) in addition to your own individual issues (in your case, favoritism) so talking to him as a group would probably be the best way to clear the air, so to speak, with minimal repercussions (i.e. keeping people out of boats for speaking up, etc.). With regards to the favoritism stuff that you’re dealing with, I’d bring that up and say that you’re having serious issues with the girls in your boat(s) not respecting your position on the team, undermining your authority, and making you the scapegoat for their individual mistakes. Make it clear that you understand you have to take responsibility for the boat but also make it clear that you know that getting thrown under the bus for their problems is not one of those responsibilities. I have a major problem with rowers who think they can make the coxswain their bitch and expect them to just sit back and take it but I take even more issue with coaches who reinforce that behavior by doing the exact same thing.
I’m not saying you should lose control or cross any lines in terms of how you approach this but I think you also need to get a little bold here and tell your coach that when he punishes you for X, Y, and Z instead of investigating the issue further and/or acknowledging your repeated claims of the rowers doing A, B, and C, he is reinforcing the idea that they don’t have to respect you (as a person or a coxswain) and can keep doing whatever they’re doing because you’ll always be there to take the blame for them. That’s bullshit. You know it, I know it, and everybody reading this knows it. And, as I say below, it’s not going to stop or change until you stick up for yourself and say “this is not acceptable”. Have some self-respect and don’t be afraid to, as Tyler Oakley/Nicki Minaj says, not accept the pickle juice.
I’ll give you the same advice that I gave to someone else via email last week. The situations are a little different but similar enough that I think what I said to that person would apply to you as well. Here’s a copy/paste of part of that email:
“I think what someone needs to say to your team as a whole (and feel free to say that I said this too, as a completely unbiased outside perspective…) is that if things really, truly are as bad as you say they are (and I do believe they are) that for the good of the team this year and in the future, everyone needs to forget about what boats they may or may not be passive aggressively placed into and just go talk to your coach. Why do you think SO. MANY. PEOPLE. get away with the shitty things they do day in and day out? Because they know that the people who could or want to do something about it are only NOT saying something because they fear retaliation. The minute you stop being afraid of how someone will react and put the good of the team ahead of your own individual desires is when you can start to enact real change. Does it suck? Yes. Is it fair? No, but unless you want to deal with this for two more years that’s what you’ve gotta do.”
Related: Interview with Pete Cipollone
I hope there’s something in there that you can use to make this situation a little better. Keep me updated too, I’m interested to hear how this all plays out. Also, if you haven’t yet, check out the interview linked above where I asked Pete Cipollone how to handle situations where the rowers took their frustrations out on you, amongst other things. I think your situation is far past what we discussed here but I also think that there might be some words of advice in there that you can use going forward.
