So I’m the only coxswain on my school team because we’re a really small team (Varsity 4 and Novice 8) and last spring I would do all of the land workouts with them, including erging. This year, (my sophomore year) my coach has been having me cox them on the ergs and it’s really helping my coxing. However, some of my low varsity/head novice rowers (they’ve only done one season) seem to think that this is unfair and are convinced that I don’t do anything. How do I react to this? Also, one of my novice rowers has a really bad attitude about rowing, and I’ll try to push her on the ergs but she says that she doesn’t care about her split. She’ll just tell me to stop trying cause her split won’t go down. When we’re in the boat (5 seat) she’s constantly complaining so loud that I can hear her and it’s distracting the rowers. What do I do? Thank you so much, I literally wouldn’t survive without this blog!

So, here’s how I handle rowers/coxswains with attitudes like that. I have what tends to work out as a three-strike policy – I’ll help you, motivate you, guide you, whatever you need but if you have the same “I don’t care, it doesn’t matter” bad attitude after each time I try to work with you then you’ve just given me all the motivation I need to say “mmk bye” and stop trying entirely. Why should I (or anyone else) waste my time to help someone who isn’t even willing to help themselves? I don’t have the patience for that (and I have no problem admitting that either).

That’s something coxswains need to get comfortable saying too – if you have a teammate who is doing something similar, I think it’s important (and necessary, at times) for you to be able to say “you’re on your own” if it comes to that after consistently putting forth an effort to help/motivate them. It doesn’t make you a bad coxswain, friend, or teammate either. Sometimes “tough love”, if you want to put a label on it, is what’s needed because it’ll help the other person come to one of two conclusions: A) they need to get their shit together and adjust their attitudes because the one they have right now isn’t doing anything for themselves or the team or B) this isn’t the sport for them.

I would talk with her one-on-one and firmly say that you’re at the point where you don’t know what else to do because she’s not giving you anything to work with and on top of that, her negative attitude is starting to become an distraction to her teammates, which isn’t OK. Let her know that she has a decision to make and that if/when she decides to adjust her attitude and recommit to the team then you’ll be there to back her up and do what you can to help her but until then, she’s on her own.

As far as your rowers getting pissed at you for oh you know, doing your job …*eye roll*. That doesn’t even make sense. If you’re doing what your coach is asking you to do and feel like you’re benefiting from it then sorry rowers but your opinion is irrelevant. To be honest, I’d give them an ultimatum the next time they say something to you. Either you can do what your coach is telling you to do and continue improving as a coxswain (since that is, in case they forgot, your role on the team) or you can workout with them to make them feel better about … whatever … and not spend the allocated time you have during practice focused on the things that’ll make you a more effective coxswain. Their choice.

This is one of the reasons why I caution coxswains against working out with their rowers. I’m not 100% against it but situations like this can be inevitable with certain groups of people and it’s honestly just not worth it to deal with it. If it’s to the point where it’s actually bothering you though, talk with your coach and see if he/she can say something to them to get them to back off. I honestly wouldn’t worry about it though because like I said before, you’re doing what you’re being asked to do and you’re getting something out of it. At the end of the day, that’s a lot more important than indulging a few rowers who insist on whining and pulling the “that’s unfair” card.

Hi. First off let me say I love your blog. I completely agree with everything you say. I looked for a question like mine but I can’t really find one that’s exactly like it. I cox a group of guys and most of them are older than me, so of course they’re kind of douchey when someone younger than them is in charge, but it’s kind of gotten out of hand. On and off the water all they do is ridicule me. I have become ostracized from the group of friends that is our boat, and everything I do is constantly under scrutiny by them. There are two guys especially who are the oldest in the boat and everyone follows what they do. They are my stroke pair and no matter the importance of an issue, they constantly correct every single tiny mistake I make. Even sometimes during pieces! I have talked to them multiple times about letting me and my coach deal with it and not them, or at least talk about it on land instead, but they still do it. I.E: During a random 500 that my coach called to get us in after practice, I forgot to call the start and they yelled at me during the piece to correct me. We have regionals coming up and I’m tired of this. What should I do to end it once and for all?

Ugh, the unfortunate thing about this is that you’re completely right about older guys being jerks when the person in charge of them is younger than they are. I think a lot of coxswains who read this question will probably be thinking “wow, that’s exactly how my boat treats me”. It sucks and it’s not right and at some point, you’ve gotta do one of two things. The first is really stand up for yourself. Talking to them multiple times only does so much and to be honest, it’s probably doing more harm than good at this point. You need to flat out, point blank tell them (all of them) in a firm tone that you’re done with their shit and the only people they’re hurting is themselves because they’re focusing more on you than they are on their own rowing. Tell them that the back talking and backseat coxing ends now and from here on out, you’ll be ignoring what they say unless it’s constructive criticism that’s offered in a polite tone during water breaks or normal info that needs to be communicated between the stroke and coxswain during pieces (i.e. stroke rate, rush, etc.).

Remind your stern pair in particular that they are setting a really bad example for the rest of the boat by behaving like they are and you don’t appreciate the constant undermining of your authority that happens as a result of everyone else following their lead. If they spent half as much time scrutinizing their own stroke as they do your coxing, how much faster would you be? Instead, the time they spend getting on your ass about insignificant stuff is seconds and inches that they’re just giving away to the other boats in your race at regionals. I’m not saying that to be dramatic either, that’s exactly what’s happening and that’s what you need to tell them. You need to stand up for yourself and say this stuff (maybe not this exactly but you get my point). Until you solidly put your foot down and assert yourself, they’re going to keep thinking it’s OK to continue walking all over you. If they want to pick on teammates that are younger than them and get away with it, go join football, but until they decide to do that they need to check their egos and adjust their attitudes.

The second thing is to get your coach involved. If it’s progressed past the point of you being able to tolerate/handle the situation on your own then you need to privately say something to your coach and have him/her address it with the boat. This kind of behavior is distracting for you and takes your focus off of what you want/need to be doing, in addition to limiting what the coach can do if the rowers would rather focus on you than themselves. I don’t know a single coach that would stand to hear about or see their rowers criticizing someone else during a piece. If you’ve got that much energy then clearly you should be rowing harder. Regardless, if talking to them isn’t working and their attitudes haven’t changed then it’s time to elevate the situation to the next level and let your coach(es) handle it.

As far as being ostracized from the group, yea, it sucks but it’s truly the least of your problems right now. Like I’ve said many times in the past, you don’t have to be friends with everyone on the team but you do have to respect each other. Earn their respect and then move forward from there. Perform your duties to the best of your ability and try to avoid being that coxswain that lets their underlying Napoleon complex (we all have one) take over during practice. If they’re criticizing you for something, take in what they’re saying, dial back the attitude a couple notches, and consider if maybe they’ve made a point – maybe this certain thing is something you could/should be working on. Just because they’re assholes about it doesn’t mean that they don’t make a valid point now and then. I think that’s the hardest thing to come to terms with in situations like this. There’s always stuff to be working on and improving and as long as you’re making the effort, no one can or should criticize you for that. That’s not letting you off the hook in this situation or saying you’re doing everything right and they’re just being jerks … it’s just some food for thought.