Tag: respect

Coxing High School Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

Hi I’ve been recently reading your blog and have really enjoyed your posts. I have a question to ask you. I am in a high school crew and last year was my novice year. I spent the whole fall season rowing and also did winter conditioning, but I hoped I could become a coxswain. About half way through spring my coach realized that we needed a coxswain, and since I was light and eager to cox he used me as coxswain about once a week and I was able to cox four 4+ races, but they were always B boats because I was only the “part-time” coxswain. In the summer I rowed. Then this fall, my first varsity season, all but one of our coxswains, a girl who had coxed the guys novice last year during the spring were gone, participating in other activities. The coaches decided to make me the head girls varsity coxswain and, we’ll call her Maddie, the head boys varsity coxswain. At first I struggled a lot because I had hardly any instruction, and I was basically a novice varsity coxswain. Many of the rowers became exasperated with me. They would talk bad about me in the boat and at the boat house, and they would frequently decide to tap or back seat cox. About two weeks into the season, Sarah, a coxswain who has been coxing for 5 years and just last spring took a lightweight men’s 4+ to Nationals and placed 2nd, returned after being begged by one of our coaches. Instantly my problem became worse and the rowers would compare me to Sarah and wouldn’t take me seriously. Sarah and Maddie became close friends and have been excluding me and telling the rowers I am the worst coxswain to ever exist; they don’t take me seriously and think of me as a rower. The problem has only gotten worse as I’ve improved because Maddie seems to feel threatened by me because we are both in the same grade. So, my question is: how can I gain the respect of my fellow coxswains and the rowers after rowing for a year? Thanks for reading my long question, and I really hope you can answer it and help me gain some respect.

Check the “respect” tag as well as the post linked below. There’s plenty of stuff in both those links that’ll give you ideas for how to earn respect from the rowers.

As for the coxswains, you kinda just have to be the bigger person, ignore their bullshit, and find a way to communicate/work with them. Icing out another coxswain because you’re “threatened” by them or don’t like them or whatever is just petty and I get that you’re in high school so that’s like, the norm for that age but at some point you have to wake up and realize that doing that isn’t just hurting whoever’s on the receiving end of it, it’s hurting the entire team. You can say exactly that to them too (nicely but still firm enough to make your point) and to be honest, you probably should. Maybe part of the reason why they say this stuff about you is because they think they can get away with it because (they think) you won’t stand up for yourself or say anything back to them. I don’t think you need to engage them in any way but you shouldn’t let them walk all over you either.

Related: Some things to know as a novice coxswain

If Sarah is a good coxswain, which it sounds like she is, then presumably you have stuff you can learn from her so try to get on her good side by asking her questions, talking to her about how she’s coxed the boats she’s had in the past, proposing hypotheticals like “how would you deal with XYZ if this was your boat…”, etc. Sometimes that’s the best/easiest way to deal with a difficult person … flatter them and make them feel like you getting to learn from them is the greatest experience ever. Don’t be over the top about it or come off super fake because then they’ll just think you’re being passive aggressive (which in turn will only ramp up their collective attitude problem) … just approach it like you would a normal conversation with any other person. Hopefully doing that will give you a chance to develop a better working relationship with her and let her see that you’re not the enemy just because you’re a new-ish coxswain who’s still learning the ropes.

Coxing Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

Hello! I was wondering if you have any tips for when you feel burned out with coxing. I just don’t feel like I’m really doing my best in the boat and I feel like I have rowers who do not appreciate me or all the stress that I’m putting in to be the best I can be. I’m not getting any feedback even though I repeatedly ask for it and just don’t feel like a respected part of the team and while I love this sport I don’t really know what to do.

It’s easy to get burned out on coxing, especially when you’re trying to get better and feel like you’re hitting a wall with every attempt you make. When it comes to asking feedback, more often times than not the reason you’re not getting any is because you’re not asking the right questions. That may or may not be the case here but whenever you talk to your rowers (or coaches), ask them about one or two specific things rather than just “how did I do today”.

Related: Okay. I know you have gotten questions like this before but how do I get people to respect me as a coxswain? I mean I’m fairly knowledgeable, I know how to correct people’s technique and how to work with them to improve. I do most of the workouts with the team but I feel like there is something about me that makes them not respect me. I’m a camp counselor over the summer and I feel like the campers don’t really respect my authority either.

For example, if you’ve been working on your technical eye say something like “I’ve been trying to get better at spotting and calling out technical issues, particularly when we’re going through drills. Today I was focused on the catch and wanted to know if you had any feedback on the calls I was making – were they still too vague or do you think they were better at pointing out the issues and what changes had to be made?” The caveat to asking the rowers stuff like this is that there’s a 50-50 chance they’ll say “uh…I wasn’t paying attention sooo…” or “I don’t remember…”. To combat that it’s best to talk to a couple rowers before you go out and say “this is what I’m working on today, can you give me some feedback after practice?” and then approach them again later once you’re off the water. The same idea applies to your coach when it comes to stuff like steering, developing a better understanding of drills and workouts, etc. The more specific your questions the better the feedback you get will be.

Related: Hey, This past spring season was my first season and I am a novice coxswain. Now I am training with mostly varsity kids for the summer. I want to be be able to get them to respect me but I am really short and weak. I have already tried working out with them. Is there any other way to get their respect? Also, what are some drills that I can do on the water when I am waiting for my coach so my rowers aren’t just sitting around? Thanks for the help!

As far as not feeling like a respected member of the team, talk to your team captains about this (if you have any) and explain why you feel that way. If you don’t have team captains or a varsity rower/coxswain you feel comfortable talking to, approach your coach and ask to meet with them one-on-one. Tell them how you’re feeling and that the result of everything is that you feel really burned out and aren’t sure where to go from here. Hopefully they’ll be able to give you some advice on ways they feel you can improve that you might not have thought of yet and how to work towards earning the respect of the rowers. The thing about coxing is that you have to accept early on that pretty much no one is going to know what you’re doing off the water to get better so you have to take all that behind the scenes work and manifest it into actual actions  on the water … otherwise you’ll just come across as all talk and no game and people will wonder why you’re so stressed for seemingly no reason.

Related: This kind of sounds weird, but I’m a novice coxswain, how do I get my boat to respect me? I feel like (with the exception of calls related to steering and drills) they don’t listen to anything I say in the boat. They talk a lot and I tell them not to but they continue to. They point stuff out to me on the water that I can clearly see and I just feel like they are always yelling at me and telling me what to do. Sometimes I just need to make a decision but I can’t if everyone is yelling at me. I don’t know what to do. I’m learning but the coaches don’t really help me out. Most of the things I’ve learned about coxing I’ve learned from other coxswains on the team or your blog. Do you know how to fix this and get the rowers to listen to me?

If worst comes to worst, you can always take some time off to clear your head and figure out what your next move is. Sometimes taking time off is a good solution because it lets you look at things more objectively whereas when you’re stressed and irritated it’s harder to see where you can do things better/differently. You might also come to the conclusion that as much as you love coxing, the team environment isn’t giving you what you need to make continuing to cox worth it and that walking away from the sport is your best option. The good thing is that we’re nearing the end of the fall season which means you’ll likely have some time to do this before winter training picks up or if your team doesn’t do winter training, you’ll have plenty of time to think about all this before the spring season rolls around.

Teammates & Coaches Video of the Week

Video of the Week: Caitlyn Jenner’s ESPY Awards Speech

The Arthur Ashe Courage Award is an award that ESPN gives out at the ESPYs each year to someone, usually an athlete or former athlete, whose actions or contributions to society transcend sports. Caitlyn Jenner – former decathlete, “world’s greatest athlete”, and Olympic gold-medalist – makes an excellent point in her acceptance speech that everyone should take to heart as we get closer to the start of a new season when we’ll have new crops of athletes joining our teams: “We are all different. That’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing and while it may not be easy to get past the things you do not understand, I want to prove that it is absolutely possible if we only do it together.”

Related: Mental health + rowing

We’re all athletes and because of that, we all kind of inherently respect each other because we know the amount of time, dedication, blood, sweat, and tears that goes into what we do. That same respect HAS TO transcend rowing though and extend to our everyday lives. Support your teammates, accept them for who they are, and be willing to shut down anyone who acts differently. It is so cool to watch history change right in front of our eyes like this but it takes everyone stepping up and doing their part to make a lasting difference and as Caitlyn said, “a more empathetic society and a better world for all of us”.

Coxing Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

Hi I am a coxswain, my coach is not afraid to show his disdain for coxswains but the girls in my boat for the most part do make some backhanded comment or when needed, stand up to the coach. That being said I feel like coaches and novices should have some sort of coxswain sensitivity training. Like a portion on being a decent human being in the cheesy safety video. But seriously coaches need to remember that often these PEOPLE are young impressionable girls who will take what you say to heart.

Not just girls – guys too. Granted, I do get more emails about the stuff I talked about today from young women but I do get a handful throughout the year from guys (mostly college ones) too.

Here’s the thing. I don’t think coxswains are a bunch of super special snowflakes that have to be praised every second or are incapable of taking/handling criticism (and if they are, GTFO because this isn’t the role or sport for you). I don’t think they deserve any more or less respect than anyone else on the team either just because they’re a coxswain. What I do think they deserve is an equal amount of respect and it’s pretty clear that that’s not a common practice.

It’s ridiculous that you even have to make the suggestion of “coxswain sensitivity training” because it’s not something that should be necessary in the first place. The whole “being a decent human being” thing should come pretty standard, regardless of whether you’re dealing with a coxswain or another rower. Who it is shouldn’t matter. I know some people will read this and think “OMG suck it up, it’s not that bad” and I get that – there are times when I think coxswains take things way too seriously or personally (note, this isn’t one of those times) and I say the same thing in my head but like the other person who messaged me said, the overall attitude that coxswains don’t do shit and are responsible for everything that goes wrong is way too prevalent. It seems to be more of a thing at the junior level than anywhere else (although it’s not exclusive to them), which makes sense because you’re a teenager and teenagers aren’t the most socially graceful people on the planet but again, that’s why having coaches, captains, and other team leaders not let it get that far in the first place is important.

Coxing Video of the Week

Video of the Week: Lessons on leadership from Canadian national team coxswain, Brian Price

Being a leader is one of the essential parts of being a coxswain. It’s important, especially if you’re just starting out, to learn, know, and understand that being a leader is so much more than just being able to yell louder than everyone else and tell them what to do. One of the biggest takeaways that coxswains should get from this is what he says about “earning respect”.

Related: Respect

For the older coxswains (particularly upperclassmen who may be coxing underclassmen) or anyone who is just getting into coaching (especially people like me in your mid-20s), one of the things you should think about is how your leadership style has evolved as you’ve gotten older and how it’s changed as you’ve started working with rowers and coxswains who are younger than you.

Coxing Novice Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

Hello Kayleigh! I was wondering how you view the relationship of a coxswain to rowers. My main problem is that I’m friends with a lot of rowers I cox and I don’t want to lose them as friends, but I also want there to be mutual respect. How do you deal with this? Thanks! AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!

I was friends with a lot of the people I coxed too. In the beginning there’s always a weird period where they’re like “why are you being so bossy, calm down” and/or you tell them to do something and they just laugh it off because who are you to tell them what to do? Eventually though, provided they’re not total asshats and you’re not doing your best impersonation of your favorite dictator, they’ll recognize that you’re just trying to do your job which is lead them, give them instructions, etc. If they want to succeed it means respecting, listening to, and working with the coxswains. If you want to succeed it means respecting, listening to, and working with the rowers. Similarly to what I told the person in the post below, you’ve got to lead others as you would like to be led.

Related: I know coaches are always looking for “team leaders” but there’s this one girl on my team who TRIES to be a leader but is just ignorant & bossy. Inevitably, she only hurts herself by getting on her teammates & even coaches nerves. She’s leaving next year (along with a huge majority of my team) & I want to be an effective leader but I’m afraid of being annoying to underclassmen like this girl is to me. How do I lead w/o being bossy and making people want to straight up slap me in the face?

I don’t think the relationship between friends has to change just because one of you is a coxswain and the others are rowers. If you guys have issues, you can’t let it interfere with what’s going on at practice. That requires maturity on both sides, regardless of who’s “right” or “wrong”. You’ve also got to establish early on that if they’re doing something that warrants being called out (like goofing off, being a distraction, not putting in the work, doing something incorrectly, etc.) you’re going to say something, not because you’re being a bitch or a shitty friend but because the coaches expect you to keep the rowers under control and it’s part of your responsibilities as a coxswain.

Related: How a collegiate coxswain earned her crew’s respect

If someone gets annoyed just because you asked them to do something, they need to grow up. On the flip side, you can’t get pissed at them if they tell you that you’re being overbearing, overly bossy, etc. This is part of the mutual respect thing you mentioned. In order to be able to give criticism, constructive or not, you’ve got to be able to take it in return.

Coxing How To Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

Okay. I know you have gotten questions like this before but how do I get people to respect me as a coxswain? I mean I’m fairly knowledgeable, I know how to correct people’s technique and how to work with them to improve. I do most of the workouts with the team but I feel like there is something about me that makes them not respect me. I’m a camp counselor over the summer and I feel like the campers don’t really respect my authority either.

There are two ways to approach this. Do you think they don’t respect you because you’re not authoritative at the right times or do you think they don’t respect you because your attitude rubs them the wrong way?

Making an effort to get to know the rowers, being friendly with them, etc. is a good thing but it can end up hurting you a bit if you are too friendly with them because they’ll see you more as “one of them” instead of someone in a leadership role. I’m not saying you can’t be friends (or even best friends) with your rowers but you have to be able to separate yourself from those friendships when practice rolls around. If the rowers see you as their friend all the time it’ll be harder for them to take you seriously when you’re telling them what to do.

Related: RESPECT and the follow-up email to that post from a collegiate men’s coxswain

The flip side is if you’re too authoritative all the time and try to throw your weight around just because you’re in a position that has some degree of power, all in an attempt to make the rowers respect you. One of the things that can be tough to master with coxing is telling someone what to do without being bossy or bitchy. This is where your tone of voice comes into play. Think of how you say things and then put yourself in the shoes of the rowers. If someone was saying to you what you’re saying to the rowers in the same way you’re saying it, how would you interpret it? Would you take it as someone who knows what they’re doing and is trying to help you improve or as someone who is trying too hard to get people to respect her, overstepping her authority, and not being an effective communicator?

Related: How NOT to piss off your rowers

I don’t have the secret to earning someone’s respect. It’s going to be different with every person you meet and every crew you cox because there are different personalities to contend with. The first step towards gaining the respect of your teammates though is to make an effort to figure out why they don’t respect you. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt since I obviously don’t know the entirety of your situation and say that it’s possible that they don’t disrespect you but they don’t fully respect either because they don’t know you that well. Make an effort to get to know them, figure out why they’re there, what their goals are, what they need from you, etc. and use all of that to not only work on the respect thing but to also improve yourself and your boat.

Definitely check out the “respect” tag too, there are tons of questions in there that you should be able to pull some good advice from.