I’ve always been that insecure person but according to my rowers and coach, I’m a “good coxswain.” Problem is that I always find fault in whatever I’m doing. I’m positive towards my rowers but negative towards myself. Any tips on how to be more self confident?
Most people are really surprised when I say this but I’m the same exact way. I’ve been told I’m a good coxswain and a great coxswain but I will never fail to find fault with at least 10 things I did during practice. When my rowers or coach ask me about it and I tell them whatever is bugging me they basically tell me I’m insane because I’m the only person that notices stuff like that and it’s not even anything that has any effect on the boat. I get very OCD about my coxing, how I call things, etc. and after we finish a piece I’ll think of something to say and get so annoyed at myself for not thinking of it earlier. I wonder if that could have been the call that resonated with the rowers or if waiting another 50 meters to call a burst would have made the difference in the end. It’s stupid, trivial stuff but I really do beat myself up over it. There have been times where we’ll have had a great practice but I’ll leave furious because I feel like I did terribly, even though I know deep down that I didn’t.
I think you just have to accept the fact that you ARE in fact, a good coxswain, and if you ever do mess up to the point where someone other than yourself notices, they’ll say something. I try and make it a point to be as routinely perfect as possible so that when I do make a mistake or someone asks me to adjust how I call something, I know they’re calling me out because what I did was out of the norm, not because I actually am terrible at coxing. I don’t know if that makes sense (it does in my head – everything always makes sense there) but it really has helped me to be less hard on myself.
After Head of the Charles I was beating myself up for days about the race because so many things went wrong but it finally took one of the women in my boat sitting me down and drilling it into me that the unpredictability of it all is unavoidable. Shit was BOUND to happen and it just so happened to occur during our race. I did everything right and that showed when I was the only coxswain to not be penalized during said mishaps. You have to realize that there are things you have control over and things you don’t. Focus on what you do have control over and let everything else go. The stuff you do focus on, focus on it the necessary amount…if you feel yourself getting really wound up over something, take a deep breath, look at the situation neutrally, and ask yourself if this is REALLY something you need to concern yourself with or are you just being overly-sensitive to the issue?
I’m a perfectionist at heart when it comes to rowing and coxing so not having things be “perfect” can really drive me nuts. I started to realize though that all my over-thinking was making me miserable, which obviously is not something you want to be as a coxswain. I’d already gone through the period of hating rowing and I didn’t want to do it again, so I decided one day that the next practice was going to be different…better. Instead of beating myself up over something I didn’t do or could have done differently, I made a serious effort to do whatever it was on the next stroke or the next piece. It wasn’t anything that anyone but myself noticed but it made SUCH a huge difference. Letting the anger of not doing something fuel you to actually do it is a wicked good stress reliever.
Don’t ever let anything get in the way of you enjoying being in the boat. I’ve been there and I’ve done that and trust me, it’s not worth it. Whatever you’re finding fault in, instead of letting it bother you, do something to fix it. Even if it’s something only you will notice, it does make a difference. Ultimately you can either CHOOSE to keep being hard on yourself or you can CHOOSE to make yourself better, but whatever option you go with, in the end it’s always your choice.
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