Tag: quitting crew

Question of the Day

By readyallrow January 12, 2017

Hi Kayleigh! I’m getting pretty nostalgic as I’ve been following you since my high school days! But in a few weeks I begin my final season as a competitive rower. I started back in 2009 and instantly fell in love and haven’t looked back. I know that I can coach and row masters, but it’s just not the same. My heart is already breaking thinking about how this is the end of the line for me unless by some miracle I get accepted into a U23 program and can further delay said retirement. Do you have any tips on coming to terms with my impending retirement and coping with “post competition depression”? (I believe that’s what Google called it.)

Totally feel ya on this. I felt the same way, that being on the water coaching was the next logical step but it wouldn’t fill the void of not coxing on a regular basis. I tried coxing a few masters crews and … it sucked, honestly. I knew it wouldn’t be the same as coxing people my own age who have similar levels of competitive fire but I thought that as long as I was coxing and doing something I loved it wouldn’t matter. That wasn’t the case so I stopped and threw myself into coaching. The fact that it was something new motivated me in a lot of the same ways that coxing did, which helped me not miss it as much since I wasn’t coxing much outside of HOCR and whenever whoever I was coaching needed me to hop in a boat.

Once I started the blog and definitely once I got to MIT though, that urge to regularly go out and cox dwindled a lot. I’ll still jump at the chance to get in a boat and I love when I get to go out and cox our guys but being given the opportunity to coach our coxswains and do all the stuff I do on here and behind the scenes with the blog fulfills me just as much, if not more, than actually coxing does. That’s something I’ve really struggled with too because it’s like, if you really love coxing (or rowing) isn’t that what you’d want to be doing instead of this tangential stuff like coaching, blogging, etc.

I don’t know if it’s different for rowers but one of the things I love most about my role is that feeling of being useful and making an impact and those were some of the things that I thought I’d miss the most, outside of the obvious stuff like racing. I knew that if I was going to try to stay involved with the sport without regularly being in a boat myself I’d have to find other ways of experiencing those same feelings if pursuing coaching as a career was going to be worth it. That’s probably the biggest suggestion I can offer, regardless of whether you think you might want to try coaching or move on completely to something new – think of the top two or three qualities, feelings, whatever that you love most about rowing and see if you can get involved in something that fulfills those same things.

You’re lucky in that you know now that you’re down to your last few months as a collegiate athlete. You can say right now that this is going to be your best season – “last one, fast one”, as they say – so that when you get out of the boat for the last time you have absolutely no regrets. Having that closure will, I promise you, make the transition easier. Well, maybe not easier necessarily but less emotional because you’ll know that you left everything you had on the water, every stroke you took throughout the season was the best one you could have taken, and the people you did it with made you better in every way imaginable.

If you’ve already got a job lined up (or even if you don’t), see if there are any local universities nearby where you can be a volunteer assistant. I could go on for days about how great of an experience the last three years have been for me and even though there are definitely some downsides, you get to experience the sport from an entirely new perspective which, like I said earlier, fills the void of not being in a boat as regularly as you once were. Plus, I know several rowers who are volunteer assistants who continue to train out of the boathouses they’re at and are still competitive and making plans to try out for the national team in the coming year. It can be done.

Once the season ends, take some time off – like, some real time off – and let your body and mind decompress. It’s easy to think now that there’s no possible way you can live without rowing but even though it might feel like that’s coming from a rational and relatively unemotional place, it probably isn’t. Once you’ve had time to clear your head and relax, you might look at it differently and realize that having all this “free time” is actually pretty awesome, which means you can try new things or pursue something that you didn’t have time for before. Bottom line, one door is closing and another is opening … and that’s OK. Enjoy your final season and don’t let stuff that’s 5-6 months away get in the way of that.

College Coxing Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

By readyallrow February 18, 2016

Hi! I am a freshman walk-on coxswain at a competitive D1 Ivy League program on the men’s lightweight team. We currently have 4 boats and I am the 5th coxswain, so in the coaches’ eyes I am obviously the worst although the rowers tell me they prefer me to the 4th coxswain (also a freshman walk-on) and the third is over the weight minimum by 10 pounds. The thing is, I am always messing up, always going to be behind because I never coxed in high school and never really learned (they put me in a boat the first day and told me to go) and I feel like I’m just never going to be good enough. I also feel like, no matter what I do, the coaches will never see me as better than the 5th coxswain even though I feel like I’m better than that and I’ve worked harder than the other coxswains and improved so much.

I love this sport and the team, but it has become such a negative thing for me. I often feel like shit after practice and I don’t feel valued or needed by the team or coaches. At this point the frustration is exhausting. I’m considering quitting, but I know that I would be ostracized by the team if I did, and I have become really good friends with some of them and don’t want to lose those relationships. Do you have any advice or have you ever been in a similar situation?

PS I can’t really talk to anyone about this because no one on my team understands, and I don’t feel comfortable addressing my concerns with my coaches because I feel like if they know I’m apprehensive, they’ll permanently “bench” (put me on the launch/kick me off the team) me–it has happened before.

Please help! Also I love your blog so thank you.

So … a couple things to start. Just because you’re the fifth coxswain doesn’t automatically or obviously mean that you suck … and I don’t mean that in an “every kid should get a participation trophy so their feelings aren’t hurt” kind of way, I just don’t think you should assume you’re the worst just because you’re not being boated. That kind of mindset almost predisposes you to make more mistakes on the water because you feel like you have to prove yourself more and that can cause a lot of anxiety which in turn causes your confidence to take an even bigger hit every time something goes wrong. If there’s four boats and five coxswains obviously someone’s gonna draw the short straw but ultimately it’s up to you to make the decision as to whether or not you’re going to settle for the short straw or you’re going to work your ass off to get in one of the boats (lack of coaching and experience be damned).

Secondly, if you feel like quitting you should quit. I’m never going to be that person who tries to talk people out of quitting, mainly because if it’s something they’ve already thought about doing then their minds are probably already made up and they’re basically just looking for validation or someone to say that it’s OK for them to do it. I think your reasons for wanting to quit are pretty valid … it’s your reasons for not wanting to quit that I think are … less valid. I get not wanting to lose the friendships you’ve made but to counter that argument, if the guys on the team are really your friends and put an equal amount of work into the friendship as you do, do you really think they’ll just let it fall to the wayside if you’re no longer around? Real friends won’t/don’t let that happen. You know the time commitment all of this takes so obviously it’s going to take a little more effort to make plans to hang out but if I were in your shoes, I’d rather quit and have this weight off my shoulders all the while knowing that I might not see my friends as frequently than stay on the team and continue feeling shitty and undervalued just for the sake of maintaining the status quo. Also, you should talk to them about this. Maybe not the coxing part of it specifically but the social aspect of it. Like I said, if they’re really your friends then they’ll probably be able to dispense some insight/advice that I can’t as an outsider looking in.

OK, so on to the coxing stuff. I understand why you’d say that you can’t talk to anyone on the team about this because I’ve been in that situation too. I felt the same way in college about pretty much everything because that whole four and a half years was like Murphy’s Law for me – if it could go wrong, it did (epically). Every time I’d talk to my professors, advisors, etc. it just made me even more upset because their advice sucked and I attributed it to them just not getting it … which I still think is true but it’s really only been recently that I realized I wasn’t approaching the situation in the best way. It’s scarily easy to fall into that “woe is me, this is bullshit, why is this happening” mindset and if what you’re saying or the questions you’re asking communicate that vibe, then yea … no one is gonna get it because they’re not experiencing what you’re experiencing. If you want some legit feedback/advice you have to put all that aside and approach it with a “this is where I’m at, this is where I want to be, what in your opinion should I do to get there?” attitude rather than a “I have no idea what I’m doing and everyone thinks I suck, HELP” one. The latter’s not gonna get you anything more than a fake “what, nooo, nobody thinks that” response whereas the former might get you a few nuggets of gold that you can then mold into an action plan.

Assuming making your way into a boat is your goal, you should schedule a meeting with the coaches. Being in the launch – as boring as it can be sometimes – really isn’t the worst thing that can happen (our sophomore coxswain literally spent March-May (every day) this past spring in the launch and I honestly believe she’s a better coxswain because of it) and if they kick you off the team (which is easily the dumbest thing I’ve heard all week) … who cares. If you’re already on the fence about quitting then them kicking you off probably isn’t going to phase you that much.

Do you have to say you’re thinking about quitting? Well, no, obviously. I’d keep that to yourself, not out of fear of retaliation but because it’s not relevant. Neither is the rowers’ preference for you over the fourth coxswain or the fact that the third is 135+ pounds. You’ve already listed some good talking points so use those to drive the conversation and help you get what you want. If I were you, I’d go into this “spring season goal-setting” meeting (<– email subject line) prepared to say two things:

1. You’re the fifth coxswain now and while you know you still have areas to improve on, you’re really proud of the effort you’ve put in to improve over where you were when you started. [Confidence is key. If you feel like you’ve gotten better, own that shit.] Making your way into the fourth boat is your goal so what one or two things do they feel you should focus your efforts on so you can better compete for that spot?

Make sure you have a couple things on hand that you are already planning to work on, i.e. steering, practice management, etc., that way you can either pre-empt them by saying “I know I need to get better at managing practice when we’re on the water” so they hopefully don’t say the same thing or they can elaborate on it further. Additionally, if they ask you what you think you need to work on you can say XYZ. If I were your coach I’d take you a lot more seriously if you come prepared having thought about this stuff ahead of time.

2. You want to make sure you’re being a productive member of the team, regardless of whether you’re in a boat or not, so what can you do on land or in the launch that would help them out, help practice run smoother, etc.?

You can ask the rowers and coxswains this too, framed exactly the same way. Both groups will say different things so you’ll be able to get a ton of info out of one simple question. This addresses the whole feeling undervalued/not needed thing too without directly saying so and it makes you sound proactive instead of whiny, which is how saying you feel undervalued can come off to some people. Whatever they all say though, even if it’s the most mundane task possible, embrace it and execute it so flawlessly that Beyonce herself would be proud. Find situations where you can create value for yourself and eventually people will start appreciating what you have to offer. That’s what I did last year with working with our coxswains. It was already something I was planning on doing in addition to coaching the rowers but because we were such a small team, I didn’t have a boat to coach which meant I would have been showing up every day to essentially do nothing. If I wanted to be taken seriously and not be seen as that hanger-on wannabe coach who just rides in the launch every day, I had to create value for myself so that even if I wasn’t coaching the rowers I was still contributing to the team and helping to make them fast. Coxswains are obviously my thing so I tapped into that and now anytime something comes up with them, on our team or any of the other three, I’m the one that people go to. Find something similar that you can do for your team. It might not be glamorous but don’t underestimate how much rowers appreciate always having a full water bottle during erg workouts or being able to get started right away because the ergs, weight-circuit stations, etc. are already set up because you showed up early to take care of it.

So .. to summarize all of this (sorry it got so long), if you want to quit then quit but if you want to give coxing a shot then approach it proactively and come up with some goals and a plan. Get your coaches on board by discussing this with them and as I said, tell them where you’re at, where you want to be, and get insight from them on what you can do to get there. You’re a novice, you’re obviously not expected to know everything so use your teammates and coaches to help you fill in the gaps. At the end of the day if you want the right answers you’ve first gotta initiate the conversation and ask the right questions.

Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

By readyallrow June 9, 2015

I have a question bouncing off of one you answered about losing the passion to row. I’m finishing my second year of college and I’m completely miserable. I loved rowing and I know this is what I want to do but rowing, school, and life are getting to be too much. I feel like I’m drowning. I talked to my mom how I feel and she suggested taking a semester off of school and rowing. I kind of want to but I’m afraid of what my coaches and teammates will think. I’ve never given up on anything before and I’m afraid to start now. I don’t want to be seen as weak or a quitter. I don’t even know how to start the conversation with my coach. Do you have any advice?

If you’re genuinely miserable and have felt that way for awhile (as in you’ve felt like this for a few months, not just for a week or two because of general stress…) then taking time off might be the smart thing to do. I’ve said this a thousand times on here and I’ll say it again – at the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you. You can love rowing, love your coaches, love your teammates, etc. but if something’s going on that’s making you not enjoy what you’re doing, the smart thing to do would be to take a step back and work out whatever those issues are (either on your own or with help) so you can get back to having fun and enjoying rowing/life.

As far as your coaches and teammates go, they don’t have to like your decision but they should at least respect it. If they don’t and instead give you shit for it, well, that should answer your question as to whether staying on the team is worthwhile or not. I don’t want to say coaches should be used to having conversations like this with their rowers but they should expect it from time to time so the best thing you can do, for you and them, is to just be honest about how you’re feeling, why you think taking some time off will be beneficial, and then set up a time to talk at some point in the future … either in a month, when you get back to campus, etc. If you do end up deciding to take a break then the sooner you let your coaches know the better, simply because this will presumably have some kind of impact on their fall plans. Don’t wait until the last minute and beat around the bush though because that’s just annoying and frustrating.

You’re not really “giving up” so don’t look at it that way. If you made no effort to work on yourself and/or work out your issues before deciding to quit, yea that’s giving up. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re doing though so don’t put that kind of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Like I’ve said, do what you need to do for yourself but talk with your coaches and keep them up to date with what you ultimately decide to do. It’s only fair and if they’re like the coaches I work with and most of the ones I’ve had in the past, they’ll support you either way.

College High School Q&A

Question of the Day

By readyallrow January 31, 2015

I quit rowing and I have no clue what to do with myself and I’m so sad but I can’t go back because I need to do school work … but adjusting to normal life is so fucking hard and I don’t even know how to manage my time anymore.

There have been a lot of questions posted on here that I’ve identified with but this is definitely one of the most relatable ones I’ve come across. I felt the same way when I quit in college but looking back now I can see that the way I “adjusted” to it was, well, wrong.

When I stopped coxing it was the first time in several years where I wasn’t doing some kind of extra-curricular activity that took up a ton of time outside of school for at least ten of the twelve months out of the year. Up to that point having legitimate free time was something I’d only really experienced for about four weeks in December and four weeks in June, so going from an Energizer bunny-like mentality to suddenly having all this time to do whatever I wanted was bad. There was this initial feeling of wanting to go party my ass off and just let loose because I no longer had coaches/teammates to answer to or practices to wake up for. (I remember thinking that this must be how child actors feel…) There was also this feeling of suddenly needing to be fiercely protective of my time. If it didn’t relate to going to class, a project, meeting, or some other school-related obligation, there was no way I was doing it because it would cut into the time I had to myself. I wouldn’t even do anything during that time either, which was so stupid. It was like I was trying to hoard the seconds I had to myself and soak in the lack of having to be somewhere doing something in case this period of downtime never happened again. Cue time wasted. The downside to all of this was that I didn’t experience anything in college. Nothing. All because I quit rowing to focus on school and ended up completely mismanaging my time while convincing myself that I wasn’t because I deserved a break, some time to myself, etc.

I could go on and on and on and on and on about this but to keep things brief, here’s my advice. Take the time you used to spend at crew and divide it in half. On the conservative side, let’s say you spent two hours a day, six days a week at practice. That’s 12 hours, split down the middle to six and six. The first six hours are yours to do whatever you want with. Schedule it into your day if you can – for one hour, Monday through Saturday, unplug, disconnect, whatever, and do something that you previously didn’t have time to do because you were at crew. If that’s as simple as reading a stack of magazines, playing with your dog, or going for a run so you can continue staying active, go for it. Or it could be picking up a new hobby, volunteering, etc. Whatever you want to do, that’s your hour to do it. The other six hours you put into school. It doesn’t necessarily have to be studying either, it could be joining a new club or group that you’ve always been interested in but couldn’t join because the two schedules conflicted or picking up an internship in a field you’re interested in. There are an infinite number of possibilities of things to do on-campus if you’e in college and this is your chance to get out there and try something new so … take advantage of it.

My point with all of this is to not do what I did. Be as protective of your new-found free time as you need to be but don’t be so protective of it that you sabotage the opportunity you now have to do something that you might not have otherwise been able to do. If managing your time in general is tough for you (which is common) then find a planner/scheduling system that you like and put it to work. Plan out your days/weeks/months as necessary and stick to it. That takes commitment but you’re a rower/coxswain so I doubt that that’s a skill you’re lacking in. The bottom line though is to not let yourself spiral out of control because you don’t know what to do with yourself or your time anymore. Find something fun to do to fill up that two hour window every day and move on. Don’t look at this as the end of your rowing career either. You can always jump right back in again if you want to when the circumstances best suit your lifestyle.

College Coxing Q&A

Question of the Day

By readyallrow August 24, 2014

I have been coxing for 4 years in High School and originally loved it however the past years I have slowly started to dread the practices to the extent that I would fake sick just so I wouldn’t have to go. I find that as I am becoming a higher level coxswain (Junior National Team and now a University Recruit) that rowing is no longer a hobby for my fellow crew mates, that it is their life. I don’t think I would ever be able to have that level of commitment as rowing has started to lose all of the joy that it once brought me and has become more of a nuisance than anything else. I am now starting University Training Camp and don’t know whether I should quit or not. I have never quit at something before in my life however I just truly get no joy out of it anymore and it just makes me very tired and depressed. I also just cannot really relate with my teammates and their lifestyles as all of them are Arts students with light course loads while I am in a very competitive Commerce program and in addition many of them thrive on “rowing drama” and are rather catty and competitive. Don’t get me wrong, the thrill of coxing a race is still one of the greatest things ever for me however I don’t know if I can handle all the rest. What do you suggest? I wish to tell the coaches as early as possible if I am not continuing as I do not want to inconvenience them…

Short answer? Just quit. You clearly aren’t enjoying it anymore and what’s the point in doing something if it doesn’t make you happy?

Long answer? I felt the same way you do and was in the same position as you as well. I did it for four years in high school, was recruited, and then fell out of love with it pretty hard and fast. I had a couple friends on the team but the majority were way more into partying than I was so we didn’t really have a ton in common. I’ve talked about this on here before but for me it got to the point where my alarm would go off in the morning and I would instantly be so pissed off that I had to wake up and go to practice. Not really the best way to start off what frequently turned into 18-20 hour days. I was always tired, always behind, always miserable, and perpetually in a state of being “over it”. When I decided to quit it was a really hard decision because I’d never quit anything either. I actually considered staying with it just so I could say I never quit anything. That’s a really stupid reason for doing stuff though so I told my coach that I was quitting and that was that.

As far as crossing that line between hobby and it becoming your life, you’re going to find those people on every team you’re on, regardless of whether it’s a sports team, the people you work with, etc. However, I don’t think that means that you should have to conform or pretend to be super into something you’re not just to please other people. Personally, I need that separation. I love crew but it in no way is my life and I’ve definitely met other coaches who don’t like the fact that I refuse to be all about rowing 24/7. There’s also a pretentiousness about it that just makes me roll my eyes (although that could have been/probably was more about the people than the sentiment). The point is that it’s OK to view crew as a hobby as long as you still show up ready to give 100%. If you think nothing of crew before or after practice, who am I to care? I’ve met plenty of people like that and in my experience they tend to be more dedicated in the long run than the people who are all OMG CREW = LIFE. There needs to be a balance otherwise you’re just asking to burn yourself out (case in point: that’s why I quit, I had no balance because crew took up so much time and mental energy). It can be hard to be that person who is perceived to be less dedicated than everyone else, especially when they’re catty and competitive like you said, but if people are going to make you feel like shit because you’re trying to manage a heavy course load and whatever else you’ve got going on, at some point you’ve gotta ask yourself if those are the kind of people you even want to call your teammates.

I’d set a meeting as soon as you’re able with the coaches and then tell them that you don’t want to do it anymore. Don’t beat around the bush, just get straight to the point. Don’t let them guilt trip you into staying or anything like that either. That’s such an asshole move and I hate when people do that. You also don’t have to say everything to them that you said in your question regarding the reasons behind your decision. If you just want to say that you’d rather focus on school because you’re course load is starting to really pick up then say that. You’re not obligated to tell them every detail. If you want to that’s your choice but you shouldn’t feel like you have to.

Like I said at the beginning, there’s no point in continuing to do something that doesn’t make you happy. If it’s to the point where you’re faking being sick to get out of practice or you view it as a nuisance rather than a fun activity then quitting is probably the best option.

High School Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

By readyallrow September 7, 2013

Hi (I’m in high school). One of the reasons I’ve always loved rowing is the people and my coaches but both my coaches have left and we’re going to be coached by existing coaches who we’ve already come across. But I feel like the atmosphere will be completely different. I’m planning to give it a trial few weeks and have a decision made by the end of September about continuing, waaay before my school starts racing. Is this a good idea?

I wouldn’t say it’s a bad idea but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea either. I get why you’d be apprehensive about a new coaching staff but if you’re going to give it a trial period, it’s essentially got to be for the whole season, mostly because there are only SO many people that can cox a boat (whereas with rowers, it’s usually not too difficult to find a replacement of adequate skill). Even if the end of September is way before your team starts racing, you’d still have been with them for at least two to three weeks, meaning your coach would have gotten used to you in the boat and your crew would have started getting used to you as well. If you left they’d have to find someone else to put in there and they’d only end up with maybe three weeks with that crew instead of having the same person in there for six to eight weeks.

I’d talk to the people on your team who were coached by these coaches previously and see what they say about them. How was their coaching, what was the atmosphere/culture like with them in charge, etc. Go into it with an open mind and then make a decision after the season ends. The atmosphere probably will be different just because the new coaches are completely different people … that’s not a bad thing so I wouldn’t write them off just because they’re not who you’re used to working with.

Coxing Q&A

Question of the Day

By readyallrow June 14, 2013

How do you know its time to throw in the towel with coxing?

The reasoning is different for everyone but I think it comes down to three things – whether or not you’re happy, having fun, and/or getting something out of it. If you said no to 2/3 or all of them and can genuinely back up why you feel that way, it might be time to reconsider whether being part of the team is a good thing for you or not.

There’s actually a “quitting crew” tag if you want to read other people’s thoughts/questions too.

College Q&A

Question of the Day

By readyallrow April 10, 2013

How does a cox/rower know when/if it’s time to quit crew? Especially as a collegiate walk on. I want to make it the four years, but…

I think I’ve talked about this before but if you find that you’re asking yourself that question – when/if it’s time – then that’s probably a good indication that you’re already leaning in that direction.

If you’re not enjoying it as much as you thought you would, it’s interfering with school, work, or other extra-curriculars (specifically, the clubs that relate to your major/minor), your grades are suffering and/or school is taking a backseat in general, the environment isn’t great (due to teammate, coach, or culture issues), if you’re easily frustrated by what you’re doing or find yourself dreading waking up for practice (on a daily basis), etc., those would all be valid reasons as to reconsider being a part of the team. They were all things that went into my decision so I know the feeling. Crew requires an immense amount of commitment and not just with your time. You’re basically throwing your entire self into this sport, mind, body, and soul. That’s not easy for some people to do, and that’s 100% okay, but asking yourself if you’re able to fully make that commitment is something you have to be able to say “yes” to without hesitation.

There’s a little bit more leeway for walk-ons, I think, simply because they’re new to the sport and weren’t recruited, but either way I’d talk with your coach if you’re having doubts and see if anything they say sways you one way or the other. Don’t let them pressure you into staying if you don’t want to though.

Coxing High School Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

By readyallrow March 19, 2013

Hi! I’m a cox from PA. We don’t have very many people on our team so my coach told me I’m going to row for the spring season too. I’m 5’2 100 pounds. I’m not sure what 1k and 2k times I should be trying to get! My best 1k is 4:21! Also, I’ve been debating for a while whether or not to completely quit crew altogether. Trust me, I’m not a quitter, but I feel like my team hates me, and being around them 24/7 doesn’t really help my self-esteem. Some guys on the team always tell me I’m a worthless cox and that I’m useless to the team. It really hurts. I try to be the best I can be but I just don’t feel like it’s good enough. I’ve already gotten injuries 3 times this season due to poor training from my coaches. My mom says if I get another that I have to quit anyways. Next, being the lightest person on the team doesn’t help my case. I pull less than them and I’m just smaller in general. I can hardly contribute while carrying the boat down. Crew is also affecting my school. On top of all the stress I have from crew, I have honors classes to pertain to. I’m not sure what to do, but I’d really like your intake on my situation! Thanks!

This is another pet peeve of mine, when coaches make coxswains actually row. Yes, coxswains should get experience in a boat and they should know how to row but actually having coxswains, especially tiny people like you, row in races and stuff makes no sense to me. Like you said, you pull higher splits than them and you’re smaller in general so there’s no way you could possibly stack up to the people who are actually built to row. Coaches have to recognize that. Instead of sticking coxswains in boats to row, maybe they should make more of an effort to go out and find rowers. Shocking concept. I’m a firm believer that the role of coxswain and rower are not interchangeable and it really grinds my gears when coaches treat them like they are.

I hate telling people to walk away from rowing, but I did it at one point so I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to stay with it even though it was making you miserable. If you’re not enjoying it, your teammates are assholes (and yours sound like they are), other more important responsibilities are falling to the wayside, you’re frequently getting injuries, you don’t feel like you’re contributing even when you’re making the effort, etc. then I would sit down with yourself and seriously ask yourself why you’re still there. I’m not a quitter either – I absolutely hate people who quit things – but sometimes there are legitimate reasons that warrant it and you have to swallow your pride and accept that.

When I was in school, I didn’t put anything above rowing. In high school I could put all my efforts into crew and still get good grades, so that’s what I did. In college I had to put all my efforts into crew and it screwed me, both mentally/emotionally and with school. Now that I’m done with all that (and maybe this is just attributed to 20/20 hindsight and being a few years older and wiser) I realize(d) that nothing should be put ahead of yourself and school, while you’re in it. I know we tend to act like crew is the be all, end all but it’s not. If you don’t have school to consider, you at least have to consider the effect it’s having on you. You have both school and yourself to think about and right now, both of those sound like they’re being negatively impacted.

It’s not even crew itself that I think is the problem for you, I think it’s more your coaches and “teammates” … and I say that with quotations because they don’t sound like what teammates should be, thus they don’t really deserve the title in my opinion. In the end it’s your decision, but you’ve got to make sure you look at the situation rationally and consider the effects/consequences on all the things I just talked about if you stick with it.

Coxing Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

By readyallrow March 17, 2013

I’m debating with myself whether or not to quit coxing (at the end of the year of course, I would never quit midseason) and I was wondering if you could listen to my reasons and offer some advice?

1. Although I get incredible highs from coxing, I also get fucking awful lows. The lows aren’t beaten by the highs, I actually go into depression. I get really negative and self loathing.

2. It’s making me paranoid. I’m constantly paranoid about everything, other coxswains, coaches opinions, rowers opinions, and its driving me crazy.

3. Pressure. I feel this incredible pressure from everybody, everybody expects me to be this amazing cox but in reality I’m not, every time there’s a race I feel like I’m disappointing everybody, and however hard I’m trying to become better I feel like it’s not coming through.

4. Weight. I’m naturally about 92 lbs (or was last year) and everyone knows (coaches, rowers). Its become a source of teasing. Summer races are coming up, so I will need to weigh in. I’m paranoid that I’m going to be over and as a result of this I’m starting to cut down on how much I eat. My friends already say that I don’t eat enough but I’m just so worried I’ll be over.

I enjoy coxing, I enjoy winning (we rarely do though), I enjoy the training, I like the people, I like the coaches, I like the jokes. I’m just concerned about how this is affecting me psychologically, and making me this paranoid, negative person. Thank you.

When you’re involved in something, whether it be sports, a relationship, etc. and you start thinking all of that, it’s time to take a break. Not necessarily quitting but taking a pre-determined amount of time off to clear your head and look at things more rationally. Not that you’re being irrational right now, but when you’re consumed by something 24/7 you don’t look at it the same way as you do when your head is clear.

To address each of your reasons…

1. I’ve been in this position, so trust me, I get what you’re saying. I’ve definitely engaged in a little self-loathing behavior, especially if I get off the water knowing our practice didn’t got as well as it should have or that I could/should have done better. I try to never let myself get too low though because the last time I got to that point I completely walked away from rowing with no intent on ever returning. If you’re getting to the point where you’re actually experiencing depression-like symptoms, that’s not healthy and would definitely warrant taking some time away.

2. I think it’s OK to be a little paranoid but in the “aware of everything going on around you” sense, not the “conspiracy theory” sense, if that … makes sense. The opinions of the rowers and coaches are really important to me but I’ve definitely put more weight on them than they’re actually worth sometimes. The thing to keep in mind though is that you think about other people’s opinions of you way more often than they’re actually thinking about you. It’s good to care what they think but don’t dwell on it or try to find some hidden meaning in everything they say. Like you said, it starts to drive you crazy after awhile. If someone tells you good job, 99% of the time, they mean it. If someone asks you to do something differently, it doesn’t mean they hate you, think you suck, want you out of the boat, etc. They’re trying to think of ways to help the boat and obviously, as the coxswain, you are the catalyst for change, which is why they’re coming to you.

3. Most of the time, the pressure is a good thing. If you’re not feeling any pressure (the good kind) then where’s your motivation to get better? Unless people are pissed with you after a race, you made common sense mistakes that you know better than to make, etc. there’s no (or little) reason to feel like people are disappointed with you. People say “oh, don’t let the pressure get to you” but they tend to forget that the pressure we put on ourselves is way higher than most outside pressures. Sometimes though you do have to get away from everything so you can clear your head and alleviate not only the outside pressure but the pressure you’re putting on yourself too.

4. I hate when people tease you for your weight, regardless of whether you’re under, over, or at a normal weight. I weigh 95lbs and people make comments about it all. the. time. You don’t have to make negative comments about someone’s weight either for it to irritate them and most people don’t get that. You’re 18lbs under the minimum right now – being over it is not the end of the world. I’d venture a guess that about 85% of coxswains are over the minimum. For most people, it’s not realistic to weigh 110lbs – it’s definitely not realistic for me so I tend to not think about it. If you want to be the best coxswain for your boat, you have to take care of yourself. Don’t be that hypocritical coxswain who walks around preaching how the rowers need to do this and do that to be healthy yet look like a skeleton yourself.

If you have a good time and you enjoy the people you’re with, don’t let anything damper that. Based on #1 alone I’d say you definitely have cause for taking a break so if not rowing this summer is an option, I’d consider it. The summer is your time. For three months out of the year you aren’t in school, you aren’t obligated to any extracurricular activities, and you can do whatever you want. Don’t let your coaches or teammates guilt trip you into coxing this summer if you decide you want/need to take a break. If I was your coach, I’d tell you to take the time off and then come talk to me in August because – and don’t be offended by this – I don’t want someone coxing my boat who isn’t excited to be there, and right now you don’t sound excited about it.

Take the summer to clear your head completely before revisiting the idea of quitting. If you make the decision now it’ll be based more on all the feelings you’re currently experiencing instead of logical and rational thought, if that makes sense. The best comparison I can think of is when you break up with someone – the break ups that happen mid-argument always tend to be regretted in one way or another down the road vs. the ones that end after a mutual discussion and agreement. Sometime before school starts, look back on the spring and how you felt vs. how you feel now after having a break. You’ll either realize that you still feel the same way about coxing and maybe it’s best that you not do it anymore or you’ll feel rejuvenated and excited to get back on the water. Either way, the decision is completely yours and there is on right or wrong answer. Whatever you think is best for you is what you should do.