Tag: relationships

College Coxing Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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Hey Kayleigh! I love your blog so much and wanted your input on three different issues I’ve been navigating for the past year. I am a freshman and still adjusting to college rowing, so any advice you have is much appreciated.

1. I do a good job steering when we’re just doing steady state or drills, but when we do pieces (especially at higher rates) I totally fall apart. I’m not sure if I freak out because I’m thinking too hard about what to say and then forget to steer or if I’m just bad at steering off of other boats or if I psych myself out and try to not touch the rudder at all but end up pretty far away from the other boats – it seems like all of these things happen to me sometimes. What can I do to improve my steering on pieces?

2. Thoughts on coxswain-rower relationships?

3. Advice for balancing rowing, school, and social life?

Thank you!!!

Check out all of these posts – they all touch in some way or another on the things you asked.

Steering: Coxswain skills – Steering, pt. 1 and pt. 2 and this QOTD

Relationships: QOTD, QOTD (I assume you mean in the dating sense so that’s what those address), QOTD, RESPECT, and Follow up to the RESPECT post (those ones address “relationships” in the more professional sense)

Balancing everything: This is a long-ish post but it basically details how I failed miserably at this and what I realized (years later) I should have done instead. Also check out this post.

Something that most coxswains don’t realize you can do is tighten the slack on the steering cables. Even if they don’t seem that loose you can almost always get them a little tighter. Don’t attempt this yourself though (especially since it’s easier done in some boats than others) – ask your coach or boatman if they can do it for you. Keep in mind this might make it a little tougher to take turns but it’ll help you steer straighter when you’re racing or doing pieces and ultimately that’s the bigger priority.

I talked about this in one of the posts I linked but if you can, put yourself in the middle of the other crews you’re doing pieces with (assuming you’re out with two other crews – if not, go between the other crew and the shore). This forces you to be aware of your steering and limit how much you’re touching the rudder so that you don’t interfere with their courses or clash blades. Steering a straight course is more important than making calls so if you need to not talk or talk less in order to focus more on perfecting your line, tell your crew you’re doing that (before you go on the water, preferably) and focus on that for the first piece or two.

Also spend time off the water going over everything you’ve been doing and coming up with a bank of calls that way you don’t have to think about what to say, it’s already there in the back of your head. In high school and college I’d write stuff down in my notebook and then go back and highlight the stuff that I wanted to use as calls but since I started at MIT I’ve been (semi) organizing stuff I hear in recordings, things the other coaches say, etc. into a spreadsheet that’s broken down into calls for the catch, finish/release, bodies, racing, bladework, etc. It might be worth spending some time doing something similar, that way you can see everything in one place and you won’t have to rack your brain to come up with stuff or try to remember that thing your coach was saying to 5-seat about his catches.

As far as relationships go, just be mature about it and don’t start unnecessary drama if things don’t work out. This tends to be easier said than done when you’re in high school but by the time you’re in college most people (most … not all) have figured out how to not be dicks when they stop dating someone so it should be a little easier to manage provided neither of you acts like a 12 year old. On the flip side, keep it professional when you’re at practice and make sure you’re not avoiding calling them out on stuff in the boat if they need to make a technical change or won’t shut up because they’re talking to their pair partner or whatever.

Balancing crew, school, and a social life is one of those fun “here are three things, pick two” situations that everybody deals with at some point or another. The best piece of advice I can offer is that the sooner you start to feel overwhelmed by school or crew, speak up and talk to your professors, advisers, and coaches. Most of the time they’ll be willing to work with you but you can’t wait until the last minute to say something or avoid saying anything at all because you’re afraid you’ll look bad, weak, etc. Yea, some people are assholes and they’ll say “too bad, deal with it” (which truthfully, despite learning this the hard way, isn’t the worst thing … you do have to figure out how to handle things when life is throwing everything it has at you) but the sooner you acknowledge things are starting to go downhill the better prepared you’ll be to handle it. Make sure you’re familiar with the available resources on campus too – mental health services, tutoring (either through the athletic department or the relevant academic department), etc.

Social life-wise, if your school has frats/sororities and you’re into that, consider rushing. Greek life is HUGE here at MIT (I think all but one or two of our guys are in one) and it’s a good way to get involved with something and meet people outside of crew. Also look into low-key, non-academic clubs/groups that relate to other hobbies/interests you have since that’s a built in way to meet people and do something fun. If you like singing, join an acapella group or if you think you’re the next Amy Schumer, see if there are any comedy clubs on campus or in the city that you can join. You can also do something as simple as getting a few teammates together to watch and analyze the Bachlorette … religiously … every week … which some of our team may or may not have been doing the last few months.

The point is, don’t put all your eggs in one basket and make sure you schedule some down time that has nothing to do with school or rowing. Even during days or weeks when you’re completely swamped with work, you’ve still gotta give yourself an hour or so each day to unwind otherwise you’ll go crazy and burn out hard and fast.

Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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Hi! I know you’ve addressed this situation already but I need a little more advice in this case. You talk about how a coxswain (me, sophomore) dating a rower (junior) is a bad idea but it’s already happening and has been for almost a year. The new recruit freshmen don’t know about it yet because we are trying to keep it as low-key and off-the-water as possible. I guess I’m looking for damage control tips. We have a lot of boat switch-ups through the season so we aren’t often in the same boat. If I have favoritism at all it’s for the rowers in my class year because I’ve worked so hard with them. How can I continue to show the team that this won’t negatively affect them? We generally just don’t talk about it.

If you don’t talk about it and are keeping it low key and off the water, why do you need to do damage control? I think I’m either missing something or you’re making a bigger deal out this than it is. You’re not required to tell them you’re dating. Granted, they probably already know because people talk but if they haven’t said anything they probably don’t care. They probably wouldn’t care even if you did tell them. The only time stuff like this becomes an issue is when it starts to show up at practice – you’re ignoring your responsibilities in favor of hanging out with them at practice, you’re showing unnecessary favoritism towards them, you start being overly passive aggressive towards each other if things start going poorly, etc. If none of this is happening, again, I’m not sure why damage control is necessary.

Is dating one of your rowers a good idea? Not usually. Is it possible if people are mature about it? Definitely. This is more often the case in college than it is in high school (because people are generally more mature in general) but it is possible.

Coxing Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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What do you think about coxswain – coxswain romantic relationships?

The same as any other crew relationship – probably not the smartest idea (especially if you’re on the same team) but if you’re mature about it, obviously I’m sure you can make it work.

Related: Relationships tag

The same drama that comes up with other relationships can arise if things end poorly and in the end, it’s a distraction that no one wants to deal with. It’s even tougher with coxswains because we’ve gotta be able to work together and communicate on/off the water – if something inhibits that then it effects everyone else on the team. Plus, if you’re on the same team and competing for the same boats, that can also cause unnecessary tension. It’s your call obviously but whatever you decide to do, maturity has to win out over everything else.

Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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All the girls on my team are pretty good about the no crewcest thing, except this one girl, who keeps hooking up with many of the guys on the team and the team is slowly dying as a result. I’ve told her this would happen, but she doesn’t seem to care. The coach can’t really do anything, as its always after practice hours. Also, I feel for her, the team is more of a place to get guys than to actually improve her rowing and get faster. Any advice?

If the team really is being affected by her “extracurricular activities” then the coaches should say something. If she was doing this outside of practice with no effect on the atmosphere at practice then whatever but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case. Granted, if they do know what’s going on then they might not have any idea how to bring it up to her, especially if they’re men and especially if you’re in high school, so I guess I wouldn’t exactly blame them for not addressing it.

As her teammates you definitely have a right to be annoyed at her for playing a part in messing with the team culture but at the same time, you can’t put all the blame on her. Has anyone told the guys on the team to maybe, oh I donno, stop hooking up with her? It’s a two way street so if something is being said to her, something should also be being said to the guys. If they all want to hook up and cause drama and whatever else, by all means go for it but don’t bring all of that to practice. If that’s what you’re going to do then there’s no place on the team for you, plain and simple. Without getting into the dirty details, that’s really all your coaches need to say. I’d have no problem asking someone to leave the team if they disregarded that rule/request. Everyone else is there to make boats go fast and it’s hard to do that and build camaraderie with each other if everyone is constantly acting weird or giving off that awkward “morning after” attitude.

In the end, everyone is going to do what they want to do. The only thing you can ask of them is to stop bringing all the unnecessary drama to practice and be respectful of their teammates who just want to row. Point out to them how their actions are affecting the team and hope that from there they’ll recognize that they either need to stop or keep whatever’s going on amongst themselves and not the business of everyone else on the team.

Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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What’s your opinion of rowing couples/coxswain-rower couples? Especially teammates?

My initial thought is that I don’t think they’re a good idea. Rower-rower ones are less detrimental to the team than coxswain-rower ones, in my opinion, but I think the general consensus it that they’re still inadvisable. If you’re a coxswain dating someone in your boat (especially if it’s your stroke), first of all DON’T, and second of all, that could potentially lead to some involuntary (or voluntary) favoritism, which will piss off the other rowers and cause a lot of tension within the crew.

If you break up you’re still going to have to see each other every day, which depending on your level of maturity could either be a non-issue or the equivalent of North Korea and the rest of the world. I hate to be so negative about it but it’s really just not a good idea. In situations like this you do have to think about the implications of your relationship on your teammates too and not just what it means to you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.

This is obviously a much bigger deal when you’re in high school vs. when you’re in college so keep that in mind. People tend to be more mature in college so they’re able to maintain a more professional relationship when they’re at practice but problems can/do still arise. Ultimately it’s on you though to make it work and not let your relationship/personal issues negatively impact your boat or the overall atmosphere of the boathouse.

Coxing Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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I cox a very close-knit men’s team, and sometimes it makes me feel excluded. They all live together and hang out together. If I happen to be there when they’re making plans, they always invite me, but they’d never think of including me if I wasn’t there. Is this a normal team dynamic between coxswains and rowers or only when you’re coxing a different-sex boat or does my team just not like me very much?

I wouldn’t say that it’s a normal coxswain-rower dynamic but I wouldn’t read too much into it either. If they didn’t like you at all they wouldn’t bother extending an invitation when you are around.

Related: I guess this is more a social life outside of rowing kind of question, but I’m in university rowing and there are a lot of socials which a lot of people attend. But, being in the UK, it’s all about getting drunk and partying etc, and I don’t particularly enjoy that so most of the time I feel left out and only go to the bigger ones (like Christmas ball) and have one glass. But I’m also a novice and want to meet people/seniors which is hard if you just go to practice. Do you have any advice?

The fact that you’re a girl and they’re guys could play into it a little – maybe they don’t think you’d enjoy playing video games or doing whatever else it is they do. My suggestion would be to come up with your own plans and invite them to hang out with you. Conference tournaments and March Madness will be here before you know it – invite them over to watch the games, eat tons of nachos, and just chill as a team. It’s entirely possible that they’re just completely clueless as to how much fun you are to hang out with so it’s up to you to show them!

Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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What is your opinion on crew relationships? I feel like if they work out that it’s great, but if they end it’s extremely awkward because you’re at crew EVERY SINGLE DAY. I ask this because I like a guy at my rowing club, who liked my best friend. Liked being the keyword: she never had feelings for him that way and friendzoned him. Yes, I know you aren’t a matchmaker or anything like that but you know a lot about crew!

As long as you’re mature about it and can separate your relationship from crew, then you’ll be fine. Problems arise when you bring your relationship into the boat with you or let it affect your performance. If you come to practice crying, fighting, or just in an overall shitty mood because of something that happened between the two of you, that’s when you need to start re-evaluating things. It can be awkward if/when it ends, especially if you went out for awhile or got friend-zoned like the guy you know did, but you really just have to be mature about it and move on.

Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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My coach isn’t very chatty with us. Obviously my teammates and I still have a pretty solid relationship with her due to the endless hours we spend at practice together but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t like me. I never want to be that annoying kid so I’m generally pretty quiet and very obedient (that’s kinda just my personality anyways). Any suggestions on building a relationship with my coach without being a pest? (She’s about your age if that makes a diff.)

I wouldn’t ever assume that your coach doesn’t like you. One thing I’ve noticed (and done) is that younger coaches in general might not be very talkative outside of the typical “coaching” conversations just because we’re trying to maintain our authority (I guess is the best way to put it) because we are closer in age to you guys, which does then make it harder for the athletes to get to know us. I would open up a little yourself, maybe talk a little bit more to her, ask her about why she chose to row at the college she rowed at or why she chose that college or what her major was, etc. You don’t have to get super deep or super personal … just elaborate a little on what she offers up in a regular conversation.

Related: I row with my school (secondary school in England – so high school) and we share a boathouse/coaches with a boys school. One of my coaches is really jokey, he constantly teases us about the boys we know, he pokes fun at us, he has nicknames for us, and although I like that I never feel that I can ask him anything, if I’m unsure over something I don’t feel like I can ask anything. How can I get better at communicating with him? There is also another coach who is relatively new coaching our squad. I’ll do something right for 3/4 of a session, and then for one second I’ll mess up, and i’ll be aware that I did it wrong, but he’s straight on to me telling me how wrong it is. I’m not sure if I’m over-reacting but it really annoys me that he treats me as a complete idiot who doesn’t seem to know how to do anything, how can I change/resolve this? Thank you.

It takes a LOT for a coach to find someone annoying, even for someone with minimal patience like me. If you’re mature, hardworking, diligent, and you listen to what she says and makes the necessary changes when she tells you to work on something, she won’t think you’re a pest or annoying.

High School Q&A Teammates & Coaches

Question of the Day

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I row with my school (secondary school in England – so high school) and we share a boathouse/coaches with a boys school. One of my coaches is really jokey, he constantly teases us about the boys we know, he pokes fun at us, he has nicknames for us, and although I like that I never feel that I can ask him anything, if I’m unsure over something I don’t feel like I can ask anything. How can I get better at communicating with him? There is also another coach who is relatively new coaching our squad. I’ll do something right for 3/4 of a session, and then for one second I’ll mess up, and i’ll be aware that I did it wrong, but he’s straight on to me telling me how wrong it is. I’m not sure if I’m over-reacting but it really annoys me that he treats me as a complete idiot who doesn’t seem to know how to do anything, how can I change/resolve this? Thank you.

Hmm. It seems you like you have a good relationship with him … why do you feel like you can’t talk with him? Is it because he’s TOO friendly (I don’t mean that in a bad way…) and just doesn’t give off the impression that he can be serious? If you don’t feel like you can talk to him, is there at least another coach you’re able to talk to? It’s OK to have different coaches for different things … if he’s the coach that makes you laugh on a shitty day but there’s another coach that you go to when you have something serious to talk about, there’s nothing wrong with that. Different people are meant for different things and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you don’t have the option of going to another coach, I’d ask him if you can talk privately either before or after practice one day and then go from there. Maybe he’s easier to talk to when there aren’t a ton of other people around. I would first think about WHY you don’t feel like you can ask him anything and then go from there.

As for the second part of your question, when your coach points out that you did something wrong, is he an ass about it or is he constructive about it? Regardless of how he does it, if it bothers you, again, I’d ask to talk to him for a minute before or after practice and explain that most of the time you realize you’ve done something wrong and aim to fix it on the next stroke but it feels like he jumps on you right away for it which throws you off. Explain that you appreciate the attention to detail but it’s more helpful to you if he points something out if he notices it as a continual problem vs. a one time thing (i.e. you’re timing is consistently off vs. off for one stroke).

Make sure he’s aware of why it bothers you but also get his side of things – why does he coach you the way he does? Has he somehow gotten the impression that you DON’T listen to him or DON’T follow his instructions? I’ve had coaches and teachers do this to me before and it really annoys the shit out of me so I completely understand where you’re coming from. Does he do this with other rowers too or just you? If he does it with other people it could just be that that is his style/personality and it might be something that you have to get used to but if it’s directed only towards you, that might warrant a conversation. Either way, talking to him about it couldn’t hurt.