Last season (my junior year) I coxed the JV boat all fall and most of spring and a week before championships my coach handed out ranking sheets to the rowers and they chose who they wanted as their coxswain. Half of the girls in the JV boat wanted me and half of them wanted another girl who has a year less experience than me. My assistant coach made an “executive” decision to put the other girl in the JV boat. This summer I had lunch with one of my close friends who was a rower in that JV boat, she told me that after the ranking day some of the other rowers texted her and talked about how they didn’t pick me because they didn’t like me as a person. I asked her what that meant and she said they meant that I was “too sassy and demanding” with them. Now this fall season it’ll be me and the same girl going after the varsity boat and I really want that spot. What do I do about the fact that the rowers don’t like me as a person? Do I just kill them with kindness or what? I honestly have no clue what to do. I’ve had several people come up to me and tell me personally that I am a much better coxswain than the other girl so I don’t understand why people have to use the fact that they don’t like me against me. How should I approach this season?

Ranking sheets? Is that the same or different than coxswain evaluations? Straight ranking sheets sound like … a bad idea.

Here’s the thing with coxing women … anytime you’re in a position where you’re giving directions or telling other women what to do you have to watch how you do it because the slightest hint of anything in your voice is going to be mistaken as you being a bitch. There’s nothing wrong with being demanding, especially in the position we’re in, but you have to make sure that your demands are realistic and actually achievable by the people you’re working with. If you have varsity heavyweight men’s 8+ expectations of a JV women’s 8+ then yea, that would be too demanding. If you have varsity women’s 8+ expectations of a JV women’s 8+ and their abilities indicate that those expectations are reasonable then that’s fine. If you’re constantly pushing them harder than they can reasonably tolerate, physically or psychologically then that would/could cause problems.

How you give direction is another thing you’ve got to be aware of. There’s always got to be some sense of self-awareness on our end as to what we’re saying, how we’re saying it, how it could/is being perceived, etc. so that we can be sure we’re building the rowers up and not tearing them down. Think about how you say things and ask yourself how you’d respond if someone said the same thing to you in the same tone of voice. Would it rub you the wrong way or would you not think twice about it? Try to be objective and not biased towards yourself, if that’s possible. Basically, don’t just assume you’re not doing anything wrong and that the rowers are just being bitches for no reason. If you’re brave enough you should talk to the ones that don’t like you, for whatever reason, and ask what you can do better this season with regards to communicating with them. They don’t have to like you and it shouldn’t be your goal to get them to like you. That isn’t your responsibility. I doubt every soldier liked George Washington but they respected him enough to follow him into battle. That’s the mentality that you should have. Rowers don’t have to like their coxswains but they do need to respect them enough to follow them into battle. That goes for coxswains as well – to earn respect you’ve got to give it. Making an effort to figure out how you can improve as a coxswain by getting feedback from the people you’re working with is a good way to start earning it. In return, you should take their feedback and actually use it to help you going forward.

Should you be nice to them? Yes, because that’s just common courtesy. Should you kill them with kindness? Eh…my personal opinion is no because ultimately what’s that going to do for you? Granted it could work out well but it could also come off as really, really fake, which will just piss them off even more. There’s a big difference between liking you as a coxswain and liking you as a person and my theory on why rowers use how much they like you as a person “against” you is because with the amount of time you’re going to be spending together, why wouldn’t you want to be with someone you genuinely like? I don’t necessarily agree with it but I do understand it. In a perfect world all coxswains would be chosen based on their abilities and not on popularity but that is never going to happen. Popularity is always going to play a small part, especially in high school, especially when you’re coxing women.

In addition to talking to the people in that boat and doing some self-reflection on your own, talk to your assistant coach. Ask her if she can share why she ultimately chose the other coxswain and what she based her decision on since it seemed like the votes were evenly split between you and the other girl. I wouldn’t straight up say that some of the girls prefer you because you’re the better coxswain but I would just say that you want to know what you can do to improve because you want the varsity boat, obviously, and as the senior coxswain with four years of experience you feel like you deserve a shot at it because of X, Y, and Z. There’s nothing wrong with saying you feel like you deserve a certain boat as long as you’ve done the work ahead of time and actually do deserve a shot at it. Seniority alone isn’t a reason, as much as we’d like to think it is. Your cohesiveness with the rowers, how likely it is that they’ll listen to you, your ability to control things on the water, etc. are all things I think any good coach would look at.

For me, I’d also be looking at how much drama I’d be setting myself up to deal with if I knowingly put you in a boat where there’s friction between you and some of the rowers. Drama in some instances is inevitable and that’s fine. Everyone is equipped to deal with it to an extent. It’s part of the game, so to say. But, as a coach I don’t want to have to deal with a mutiny in the middle of the season simply because there are a million other things that I need to worry about. Whoever I ultimately chose as coxswain would need to be able to make it work with everyone in the boat, regardless of their friendships or lack there of off the water. Looking back on the previous season and seeing that there were personality clashes, no respect being given or received, etc. it would take a lot of convincing for me to put that coxswain with those same rowers, regardless of their skills. Their skills could be amazing and they could be a great coxswain but I’d be delusional to think that personality doesn’t play a part in being a good, effective leader. Like I said, they don’t have to like you but they do have to respect you and there can be no question as to whether or not that will happen.

In this order, look at how you’ve handled things in the past and how you’ve interacted with these women previously, then talk to your coach, then talk to the rowers. Start thinking about your goals for the season and use them and the feedback you get from everyone to help motivate you to make some improvements throughout the start of the season. I won’t lie to you, it sucks having to making adjustments to your attitude, personality, etc. just to avoid pissing people off but I will promise you this: in the end, it’s worth it. All those stupid situations in school where your teachers are like “oh, working on this group project is going to teach you how to deal with people in the future”…no. We all know they don’t. What teaches you how to deal with different personalities in the future is having conflicts with people and figuring out the best way to interact with them going forward. Sometimes that requires changes on our end and it requires taking the time to figure out what you’ve done in the past that you could do differently, more effectively, or just plain better going forward.